Baseball Toaster: Catfish Stew : The Dairy Queen Conspiracy

The Dairy Queen Conspiracy

2005-03-21 09:06

by Ken Arneson

Ken Macha took a split squad of A's down to Tucson on Saturday, and treated the whole bus to an ice cream break at a local Dairy Queen.

It's a cute story. But I kinda feel left out.

Not because I think Macha should treat me to some ice cream. Because I have never once even stepped foot in a Dairy Queen.

So when Nick Swisher jokes about ordering a $7 Blizzard, I have no idea what that means. I feel like someone is preventing me from experiencing a core piece of American culture.

But the problem is this: there aren't any Dairy Queens around here. There are zero Dairy Queens in Alameda, where I live, zero in Oakland, and zero in San Francisco.

There is a combo Orange Julius/Dairy Queen express shop in a shopping mall in Hayward, but if you want a real standalone Dairy Queen, you have to go over the Oakland Hills out to San Ramon, about a 30 minute drive.

So then I checked Phoenix and Tucson, where the incident took place. Which Dairy Queen did they go to? Hard to tell. There are at least seven Dairy Queens within the Phoenix city limits, and nine in Tucson.

Hmm...this is starting to look suspicious. OK, let's look at how many Dairy Queens are within the city limits of each MLB city (by division):

City                Dairy Queens
-----------------   ------------
Oakland                  0
Arlington                1  (Dallas: 4)
Anaheim                  2
Seattle                  4

Kansas City              3
Cleveland                3
Chicago                  4
Detroit                  7
Minneapolis              7  (St. Paul: 8)

New York City            0
Boston                   1
Baltimore                1
Tampa                    3
Toronto                  6

San Francisco            0
Los Angeles              1
San Diego                4
Phoenix                  7
Denver                   8

Milwaukee                3
St. Louis                4
Chicago                  4
Cincinnati               5
Pittsburgh               7
Houston                  8

New York City            0
Washington, DC           0
Philadelphia             4
Atlanta                  5
Miami                    5

Well, I feel a little better now. The Bay Area isn't alone in its DairyQueenlessness. But why are we, New York City, and Washington D.C. being left out? And why does Toronto, which isn't even in United States, have more Dairy Queens than the rest of the AL East combined?

It's all very fishy, if you ask me. I smell a conspiracy...

Comments

2005-03-21 11:18:39

1. Derek Smart

Wow, I feel privliged! I'm just a mile or so from one of the Chicago ones (although, because of the side of the street it's on, it might technically be Evanston). I've actually been to it, too, although I did not have a Blizzard, and certainly wouldn't have paid $7 for one. That's robbery! Robbery, I tells ya!

2005-03-21 13:04:36

2. Scott Long

Some of my best memories of post-game little league was when we would be given a certain amount of money to spend at the Tastee Freeze. We didn't have a Dairy Queen in my town at the time, but I'm partial to the Tastee Freeze ice cream, anyway. I'm guessing the combination of being fitness oriented (frozen yogurt eaters) or liking more high-faluting ice cream (Ben & Jerry's, Maggie Moos, etc) is keeping Dairy Queens out of the major markets you discuss.
There is not one healthy thing at Dairy Queen that I can think of.

Maybe Macha decided to do this, looking at his really young roster and realized that some were only a few years removed from Little League and maybe they would play harder if they got a treat after the game.
I smell a new element of Moneyball. Post-game treats at DQ.

2005-03-21 13:23:32

3. Cliff Corcoran

Worry not about NYC, there are plenty of DQs in NJ. I highly recommend Dairy Queen to any and all, and Ken, if you're ever on the east coast I will make it a point to get you to one of them.

2005-03-21 15:46:52

4. Jon Weisman

When I was growing up, long before the Jamba Juice era, nothing was better than a good ol' Orange Julius. But times have changed. I know it hasn't completely died out, but no Orange Julius that you run into today is likely to live up to the standards of yore.

2005-03-21 17:22:41

5. Bob Timmermann

Ken,
There are actually 4 Dairy Queens in Los Angeles. You feel for the outsider's mistake of not counting ones in the suburbs which don't bear the name "Los Angeles". There are Dairy Queens in Canoga Park (6600 Topanga Canyon), North Hollywood (5166 Lankershim), and Northridge (9301 Tampa #75, which I believe is a mall).

The one in L.A. is on Martin Luther King Blvd near 36th, which I think is the University Village shopping center near USC.

There are 12 other Dairy Queens in Los Angeles County from as far north as Palmdale and as far south as Cerritos.

Dairy Queen is part of Warren Buffett's Berkshire Hathaway empire now.

Remember Ken, you started this.

2005-03-21 19:51:07

6. Bernal Diaz

After I win the lottery I will open a DQ franchise in Alameda. I promise you.

2005-03-23 12:16:02

7. Kenny

Yes, but Alameda has a Foster's Freeze and none of the other places do.

Also there a mall DQ/Orange Julius at New Park Mall in Newark.