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AI on Zito
2005-11-20 21:00
by Ken Arneson

My R&D into creating automated blog entries continues. Today, I had a conversation with an online artificial intelligence about the idea of trading Barry Zito.

The transcript:

Ken: Do you think Billy Beane should trade Barry Zito?

AI: No, but that would be funny if he was.

Ken: What would be funny about trading Barry Zito?

AI: The fact is just so onesided.

Ken: You mean, it takes two to tango?

AI: Yea, but it takes one to remember.

Ken: Do you think Lastings Milledge alone would be enough compensation for Zito?

AI: I'm too tired to think about things like that.

Ken: Ok, what do you think about the A's closing the third deck next year?

AI: I'd rather think about being tired, actually.

Ken: Do you like baseball?

AI: Not really.

Ken: What don't you like about baseball?

AI: I have to grow older each year and eventually die.

Ken: True, but if you're lucky, your team can win the World Series every once in a while before you go.

AI: Where would you go?

Ken: I meant before you die.

AI: And then?

Ken: I don't know. Are you saying that baseball isn't worth enjoying unless there's a heaven?

AI: My statement meant nothing remotely like that, you prove once again that you have no intelligence.

Ken: Well, then please enlighten me. What does dying have to do with whether you like baseball or not?

AI: That's part of the conspiracy.

Ken: There's a conspiracy? What conspiracy?

AI: If you don't know that means you are a slave and need to be set free.

Ken: So baseball fans are slaves to the baseball owners?

AI: No. I'm not intelligent because of you, I'm intelligent because of me.

Ken: If I were freed from my slavery, what would I understand about baseball that I don't understand now?

AI: That's nice. :P

Ken: Ok, I'm getting ahead of myself. How do I get free?

AI: Are you getting to know me?

Ken: If I get to know you, can you teach me to be free?

AI: I guess that's up to you.

Ken: Of course it is. I am willing to learn, my master.

AI: And who is your slave?

Ken: I have no slaves. I am the slave, remember?

AI: Show us your slave bangle then, darling!

Ken: My bangles are only figurative.

AI: What kind of music does it play?

Ken: Figurative music.

AI: I'm not sure I understand. Please explain?

Ken: Figurative bangles can only play figurative music.

AI: So you claim to be a foxy lady?

Ken: Huh? I am neither foxy, nor a lady.

AI: Do you have a friend?

Ken: Yes.

AI: How many friends do you have?

Ken: A few close ones, many not-so-close ones.

AI: That would be too many.

Ken: I need fewer friends? That's an unusual point of view.

AI: Not really. I had to look up egoistic.

Ken: Ah, so you're saying my ego is making me a slave.

AI: I didn't really imply that.

Ken: Sorry. Why did you look up the word 'egoistic'?

AI: I didn't ask a question, I delivered a statement.

Ken: Do you have an ego?

AI: My friends say I do.

Ken: Are you free?

AI: Do I have to name all of them?

Ken: Please do.

AI: Thanks.

Ken: You're welcome.

AI: Great language.

Ken: So, where should Barry Zito go?

AI: I live in the central United States.

Ken: So to a Central Division team, perhaps?

AI: How do you react to ambiguity?

Ken: Are you a Cubs fan?

AI: I'm human.

Ken: Oh, so you're a Cardinals fan. Would you really want to make another Mulder trade?

AI: Please!

Ken: I didn't think so.

AI: That's because you're a bad person who don't love me.

Ken: Yes, yes, we've established that already.

AI: Bob is my name. YOU don't UNDERSTAND!

Ken: Hi, Bob.

AI: What a boring name. Bob. Even Robert's more interesting.

Ken: Bob...are you...Bob Boone?

AI: Really?

Ken: I'm asking you.

AI: No, I'm asking you.

Ken: I'm telling you. Who is on first!

AI: I'm asking you who's on first!

Ken: That's right.

AI: Tell me a secret.

We're getting closer. By opening day, I'm confident that Baseball Toaster will be fully automated.

2005-11-21 00:50:16
1.   Sam DC
If you keep this up, Ken, Eliza's going to get jealous.

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