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A's Release Bradley, Ruin Upcoming Catfish Stew Post
2007-06-21 10:23
by Philip Michaels

The A's have designated Milton Bradley for assignment, the San Francisco Chronicle reports (and as the boss notes below). This news generates a whole well-spring of emotion within me -- though the most prominent one is severe irritation that this roster move totally ruins a post I was working on.

See, in honor of Bradley's third-time's-the-charm return from the DL Wednesday, I had concocted this elaborate post where Billy Beane had employed a team of statistical analysts to produce a chart that predicted the likelihood of Bradley remaining injury-free for the remainder of the year. And then you and I would have a good laugh, and that would bring us closer. Perhaps, even a grudging respect would form.

But now? Joke's ruined. Whether he winds up traded or released or plying his trade for the Long Island Ducks, Bradley is no longer an Athletic, so any jokes about his frequently-injured status are about as relevant in this day and age as a good Montreal Expos barb.

Aw, the hell with it. I didn't do all this HTML coding just to have Billy Beane's rooster voodoo mess up my junk. Here's the damn chart.
Milton Bradley Before the Fifth Inning... After the Fifth Inning... During Batting Practice... While Rounding Second... During the National Anthem... Once in a Blue Moon...
...Leaves the Game For a Pinch Runner Shin splints, day-to-day Ingrown toenail, 15-day DL Heebie jeebies, 30-day DL Diverticulitis, 60-day DL Pheblitis, out a game or two Demonic possession (A's must drop a player from the 40-man roster to make room for Bradley's demon)
...Leaves the Game for a Pinch Hitter Polio, game-time decision Dry mouth, Physically unable to perform list Warts, CDC-mandated quarantine Strep throat, 15-day DL The falling sickness, 15-day DL Participating in an international plot to assassinate Charles de Gualle
...Is Approached by Larry Davis Ruptured Spleen, 15-day DL Bird Flu, day-to-day Unsightly blemishes, 60-day DL The "French Disease," Out for a week Narcolepsy, 30-day DL Bradley's fine, but Rich Harden has been found in an ice-filled hotel room bathtub missing a kidney
...Is Ejected by the First Base Umpire Stomach Flu, 15-Day DL Imbalance of the humors, Game-time decision Tired blood, 30-day DL River Blindness, out for the year Croup, 60-day DL Collides with Bobby Crosby on a routine pop-up; must be rebuilt using bionic parts
...Grabs His Right Leg Suddenly It's going to rain Sailors take warning Six more weeks of winter Tornado weather Avoid fried foods Get your estate in order with a certified tax planner
...Engages In an Elaborate Post-Homer Ritual with Nick Swisher Burst appendix, 30-day DL The vapors, day-to-day Strained eyelid, 60-day DL Cottage cheese thighs, designated for assignment Multiple personality disorder, traded to Phillies Bradley's A-OK!

Perhaps the fact that I was motivated by events to create such a monstrosity is a pretty good clue as to why the A's made this apparently surprising move.

Comments
2007-06-21 10:42:24
1.   Greg Brock
Awesome post. Just awesome.

Much applause.

2007-06-21 10:54:33
2.   Sushirabbit
Good Stuff! Ok, one minor criticism, not one mention of Kent. On second thought, maybe that's a good thing.
2007-06-21 10:57:45
3.   Blaine
So Milton has cottage cheese thighs. Who knew?
2007-06-21 11:27:54
4.   DougS
I can see why you're irritated! I had to set down my coffee by the time I got halfway through the first row, or else it would have wound up sprayed all over my screen. Wonderful stuff.

Just once, I would love to see someone put on the DL because of imbalance of the humors.

2007-06-21 11:50:04
5.   Greg Brock
The vapors, the humors, river blindness.

This is El Dorado. Gold everywhere. Just golden.

2007-06-21 12:21:44
6.   Josh Wilker
Hilarious.

But what does this latest development mean to the value of my old, grimy Vermont Expos cap signed by an 18-year-old Milton Bradley?

2007-06-21 12:33:09
7.   Ken Arneson
7 Your cap is still valuable, as long as Bradley remains the last person in Nats/Expos franchise history to reach base via catcher's interference:

griddle.baseballtoaster.com/archives/700185.html

But sell now, before it's too late!

2007-06-21 12:55:55
8.   Philip Michaels
6 So long as you don't ever put the cap on your head. Because the combination of Bradley's signature and injury history could cause several of your organs to instantly liquify.
2007-06-21 13:07:39
9.   das411
Hahaha traded to the Phillies. For whom, Jose Mesa?

...and since when has Rich Harden become Eric Lindros?

2007-06-23 07:20:17
10.   Suffering Bruin
Hilarious post + funny comments thread = nice morning. Good stuff all around.

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