A's Release Bradley, Ruin Upcoming Catfish Stew Post
by Philip Michaels
The A's have designated Milton Bradley for assignment, the San Francisco Chronicle reports (and as the boss notes below). This news generates a whole well-spring of emotion within me -- though the most prominent one is severe irritation that this roster move totally ruins a post I was working on.
See, in honor of Bradley's third-time's-the-charm return from the DL Wednesday, I had concocted this elaborate post where Billy Beane had employed a team of statistical analysts to produce a chart that predicted the likelihood of Bradley remaining injury-free for the remainder of the year. And then you and I would have a good laugh, and that would bring us closer. Perhaps, even a grudging respect would form.
But now? Joke's ruined. Whether he winds up traded or released or plying his trade for the Long Island Ducks, Bradley is no longer an Athletic, so any jokes about his frequently-injured status are about as relevant in this day and age as a good Montreal Expos barb.
Aw, the hell with it. I didn't do all this HTML coding just to have Billy Beane's rooster voodoo mess up my junk. Here's the damn chart.
Before the Fifth Inning...
After the Fifth Inning...
During Batting Practice...
While Rounding Second...
During the National Anthem...
Once in a Blue Moon...
...Leaves the Game For a Pinch Runner
Shin splints, day-to-day
Ingrown toenail, 15-day DL
Heebie jeebies, 30-day DL
Diverticulitis, 60-day DL
Pheblitis, out a game or two
Demonic possession (A's must drop a player from the 40-man roster to make room for Bradley's demon)
...Leaves the Game for a Pinch Hitter
Polio, game-time decision
Dry mouth, Physically unable to perform list
Warts, CDC-mandated quarantine
Strep throat, 15-day DL
The falling sickness, 15-day DL
Participating in an international plot to assassinate Charles de Gualle
...Is Approached by Larry Davis
Ruptured Spleen, 15-day DL
Bird Flu, day-to-day
Unsightly blemishes, 60-day DL
The "French Disease," Out for a week
Narcolepsy, 30-day DL
Bradley's fine, but Rich Harden has been found in an ice-filled hotel room bathtub missing a kidney
...Is Ejected by the First Base Umpire
Stomach Flu, 15-Day DL
Imbalance of the humors, Game-time decision
Tired blood, 30-day DL
River Blindness, out for the year
Croup, 60-day DL
Collides with Bobby Crosby on a routine pop-up; must be rebuilt using bionic parts
...Grabs His Right Leg Suddenly
It's going to rain
Sailors take warning
Six more weeks of winter
Avoid fried foods
Get your estate in order with a certified tax planner
...Engages In an Elaborate Post-Homer Ritual with Nick Swisher
Burst appendix, 30-day DL
The vapors, day-to-day
Strained eyelid, 60-day DL
Cottage cheese thighs, designated for assignment
Multiple personality disorder, traded to Phillies
Perhaps the fact that I was motivated by events to create such a monstrosity is a pretty good clue as to why the A's made this apparently surprising move.