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Stupid, Stupid Tigers
2006-10-01 17:19
by Ken Arneson

How the heck do you get swept against the worst team in baseball when you need just one win to capture the division title? The Tigers should be automatically disqualified from the playoffs for that simple fact alone. Let the White Sox in the playoffs instead. At least they'd put up a fight. I wouldn't usually root for the Yankees in any playoff series, but the pathetic display by the Tigers this weekend has disgusted me so much that I am now rooting for the Tigers to suffer the most humiliating, lopsided playoff defeat in major league history. If they're gonna choke like that, why couldn't they have saved their major choke job for one more day (i.e. in the playoffs against the A's)? Argh.

I guess I spent whatever good karma I had on winning the division, because everything else in my life has pretty much sucked since then. The day after the A's clinched the division, I injured my neck so badly that I could barely move, and every time I tried to do anything, I ended up with a pounding headache. And then, the same evening I hurt my neck, someone stole my car. And now, the coup de grâce, the stupid Tigers have gone ruined the whole playoffs for me by getting swept by the Royals, of all teams.

The playoffs are ruined because now the A's have to face Johan Santana and the Twins. Facing Santana is the toughest possible playoff assignment, but that's not what's ruining the playoffs for me; I actually enjoy watching Santana pitch. Santana is probably the only Twins player I've ever liked outside of Kirby Puckett.

No the problem is simply that I hate the Twins. I really, really hate the Twins. And the Metrodome. I hate the Metrodome, and that stupid turf, and the way its ugly shade of green reminds you that you are playing on fake grass instead of beautiful green grass, and the way the game resembles pinball more than baseball because of that stupid turf, and that stupid roof, and the stupid way all the noise gets trapped in there like a greenhouse traps heat because of that stupid roof, and the way the ball is hard to see through that stupid roof when you play a day game, and the fact that playing a day game is completely wasted when you play it under a stupid roof instead of the open sky, and the way the stupid architecture makes you play an inferior sport with inferior rules and inferior tactics, and how you have to change your approach to take precautions not to lose a game because of a stupid fake grass bounce or a misjudged stupid white roof fly ball, and how you can lose a game that you normally wouldn't lose under open sky and on real grass because the ball takes a stupid fake grass bounce or a fielder misjudges a stupid white roof fly ball, and the way I can list a whole bunch of stupid things I hate about the Metrodome without even mentioning how stupid I think that stupid plastic bag fence is, and that stupid plastic bag fence.

There's no way I could possibly enjoy this playoff series now, even if the A's swept all three games by 16-0 scores. I think that listening to Roseanne Barr sing the national anthem for three hours straight would be a more pleasing aesthetic experience than watch the A's play the Twins in the Metrodome.

Well, good thing then that the first three games are weekday day games. I can't watch, I have to work. That's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it.

2006-10-01 18:54:01
1.   Jon Weisman
Ken, when did you become Job? Or GOB? Makes me sad.
2006-10-01 18:57:44
2.   rabid stan
Thanks Ken. Somebody finally said it. The worst thing about facing the Twins in the play-offs is the Metrodome, not Santana.

I hope the A's take it, then no more playoff games in that god-awful park.

2006-10-01 20:06:09
3.   Ken Arneson
1 Sorry Jon. I'm practically perfect in every way, except this: when someone steals my car while I'm physically incapacitated, I tend to behave somewhat vindictively.

Either that, or I behave somewhat GOBly. Sorry, I don't watch much TV, so I don't really understand the reference.

2006-10-01 20:46:02
4.   Vishal
i fear minnesota too, but i think they'd have to be beaten at some point anyway. is it really different facing them in the LDS instead of the LCS? it might be easier to beat them in 5 than in 7. and anyway, the A's are a very good defensive team. they'll be fine on the turf. it's harder to field balls on turf, but it's harder for the twins too, though they're more used to it. anyway, i'm not worried.

i'm really sorry about your neck and your car, though :/ that's a lousy week.

2006-10-01 20:58:52
5.   Daniel Zappala
Oh man, Ken, I'm sorry. I hope it wasn't a very good car.

I was nearly as bummed that Salmon didn't hit home run 300 today. OK, not quite, but still, that was a drag.

2006-10-01 21:15:26
6.   das411
Aw feel better Ken!

I'm almost afraid to point it out but Kruk actually made the same argument that Vish did in 4 re: the Tigers, that it might be easier to beat a team with strong pitching in a 5 game series because the impact of one bad start is so much greater. Even if Johan wins two starts, the Twins would still have to beat the A's one more game, and Oakland does have one or two decent starters of their hopefully a sufficiently POed Frank Thomas!

2006-10-01 21:17:48
7.   Ken Arneson
5 It is (was? Do I use past tense here or not?) a '93 Saturn, which is apparently very easy to break into. It was stolen once before, but I got it back. So, no, it wasn't a very good car, but it still makes me mad.
2006-10-01 21:20:15
8.   Ken Arneson
Losing to Johan Santana wouldn't really bother me that much. He's the kind of pitcher who can win a World Series for a team almost by himself.

Losing to the Metrodome, though, would drive me insane.

2006-10-02 02:25:51
9.   scarface

I would think the reverse is true: Santana is gonna pitch only twice, effectively, whether the series is 5 or 7 games. So that gives us more non-Santana games, in total number as well as percentage. And yes, I realize that Santana could pitch 3 games, but I think it reasonable to assume that he can't be as effective on short rest, and also that the A's would have had time to figure him out (to some extent) by the 3rd start.

2006-10-02 02:31:24
10.   scarface
Ken, if you're injured (get well soon!), you can't really be at your day job, so you pretty much gotta watch the playoffs :)

Anyone else find the timing of the A's games outrageous? Come on, give us at least one game in the evening that we can watch without skipping work (or waking up early, for some people)!

I guess it's tied to what Ken said - they're gonna sell out locally whenever they are scheduled, and I guess national TV ratings are expected to be dictated by the bigger markets.

2006-10-02 12:04:57
11.   chuie
I think you'd better watch at least a couple of minutes of at least one of the dome games, lest the baseball gods misinterpret this as a fast.
2006-10-02 12:39:06
12.   Jon Weisman
3 - Didn't mean for you to apologize - just wanted to express my sympathy for your fate. It's an unfair amount of bad.

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