Mitchell Report Appendix E: Steroid Facts and 2007 Photo Outtakes
2007-12-14 07:48
by Ken Arneson
Steroids give you hallucinations.
Steroids lead to excessive photon absorbtion, exposing you to harmful doses of ultraviolet radiation.
Steroids cause smog and odd-colored sunsets.
Steroids cause holes in the ozone layer.
Steroids are responsible for global warming and the melting of the Arctic ice cap.
Steroids cause hurricanes.
Steroids cause federal agencies to respond very slowly to natural disasters.
Steroids render intelligence agencies unable to distinguish between Iran and Iraq, and to get confused about which one is working on creating WMDs.
Steroids are why Bono still hasn't found what he's looking for.
Steroids render you unable to distinguish between an iPod and a Zune.
Steroids explain the existence of people who like Dave Matthews.
One dose and you yelled, "Timber! Watch out for flying glass!" Your ceiling fell in and your bottom fell out, you went into a spin and you started to shout, "I've been hit! This is it! Damn, that zit! Anyone want to buy some authentic backne signed by Raul Padron?"
Backne is gross.
Steroids make you grow back hair.
Back hair is gross.
Steroids make your hairstyle indistiguishable from chia pets.
Steroids make the sky look like Bobby Kielty's hair.
There is no evidence that Bobby Kielty ever took steroids himself, but if he did, he only took the right-handed ones.
Adam Everett's glove took steroids, but his bat didn't appreciate the peer pressure, and refused to participate.
Steroids make people make up ridiculous facts about steroids and write them down.
Steroids made Pete Rose bet on baseball games.
Steroids made Fred Merkle stop running.
Steroids kept African-Americans out of baseball until Jackie Robinson broke the steroid barrier.
Steroids made Harry Frazee sell Babe Ruth to the Yankees
Steroids made the Houston Astros wear horrible uniforms in the 1970's.
Steroids made Bill Buckner unable to bend over.
OK .... how about "Steroids make you make claims about people using steroids based on questionable 'intelligence'"
Steroids lead to massive bank write-downs.
Steroids lead to the structuring of credit risk and the sale of that risk to those least able to understand it.
Steroids made the Florida Local Government Pool halt withdrawals.
Steroids cause a massive lengthening in the Presidential campaign cycle, debate proliferation and an explosion in campaign financing costs.
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Well, not really. But the trade did go through.
http://tinyurl.com/3y3x24
Steroids made Fred Merkle stop running.
Steroids kept African-Americans out of baseball until Jackie Robinson broke the steroid barrier.
Steroids made Harry Frazee sell Babe Ruth to the Yankees
Steroids made the Houston Astros wear horrible uniforms in the 1970's.
Steroids made Bill Buckner unable to bend over.
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