Mitchell Report Appendix E: Steroid Facts and 2007 Photo Outtakes
by Ken Arneson
Steroids give you hallucinations.
Steroids lead to excessive photon absorbtion, exposing you to harmful doses of ultraviolet radiation.
Steroids cause smog and odd-colored sunsets.
Steroids cause holes in the ozone layer.
Steroids are responsible for global warming and the melting of the Arctic ice cap.
Steroids cause hurricanes.
Steroids cause federal agencies to respond very slowly to natural disasters.
Steroids render intelligence agencies unable to distinguish between Iran and Iraq, and to get confused about which one is working on creating WMDs.
Steroids are why Bono still hasn't found what he's looking for.
Steroids render you unable to distinguish between an iPod and a Zune.
Steroids explain the existence of people who like Dave Matthews.
One dose and you yelled, "Timber! Watch out for flying glass!" Your ceiling fell in and your bottom fell out, you went into a spin and you started to shout, "I've been hit! This is it! Damn, that zit! Anyone want to buy some authentic backne signed by Raul Padron?"
Backne is gross.
Steroids make you grow back hair.
Back hair is gross.
Steroids make your hairstyle indistiguishable from chia pets.
Steroids make the sky look like Bobby Kielty's hair.
There is no evidence that Bobby Kielty ever took steroids himself, but if he did, he only took the right-handed ones.
Adam Everett's glove took steroids, but his bat didn't appreciate the peer pressure, and refused to participate.
Steroids make people make up ridiculous facts about steroids and write them down.